


If You Know That I'm Lonely

by DraftingPen



Category: Everyman HYBRID, MLAndersen0, Tribe Twelve
Genre: Abuse, Depression, F/M, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-16 15:02:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18693853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DraftingPen/pseuds/DraftingPen
Summary: This is me getting out every thought of how I feel about Mlandersen0 in one place, will be inaccurate, re imagined, choppy and  error heavy, Updated only when I manage to think of what needs to be put in place next. Crosses over timelines with other slenderverse series plenty by the end of it, won't be realistic to canon half of the time, other times it's directly how I see things, so have fun reading along





	1. Humble beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> This work contains sensitive material, If you've watched any of the series presented, you know the kind of content you're getting into, but still i'd like this to be a warning that it is heavy and to be careful reading on.

Michael sat in his cage of a room,one barren of anything of real interest and so he found himself staring at the same wall again as he pressed himself as small as possible against the corner he'd been in for the past hour, and the hour before that.The wall painted a dingy grey blue, the colour said to soothe emotions, make a violent patient less volatile.Anger issues? The fits of someone bubbling up to the surface to be taken out on those nearest? Of course, painting the walls a boring colour would surely solve that! It wouldn't _just_ make the walls dull to look at, because the calming colours would subconsciously influence your actions.The nurse told him so when they first talked, his voice asking why the room looked so blank.Dark.Like a jail.

He kept that in his head because her voice lowered to a whisper like she'd been telling him something that none of the many of the others that had talked to him that first week would, like she cared about how he felt about the room.Still, it didn't change that he hated the colour, that he hated being here.He hummed in acknowledgement of the memory into the empty room as he closed his eyes.His hand pressed to the wall smoothing itself over the surface of it as he took a breath in and thought deeper of what he had felt that night in particular. It had been months, maybe a full year since that moment, but despite what the nurses knew, he remembered it clearly.

They headed to the park near the house, his elder brother by just a few years, twelve years old. Micheal was eight. As walking, Shaun kept talking about something about school. About this girl he liked, about how he didn't really like her but he didn't really want to say no to her asking him out when- so on and so on. He didn't get it yet and maybe he'd never get it. Shaun probably got asked out all the time, his brother's really cool, did he just have to go on dates all the time? He shook the thought out of his head, his sneakers dragging on the ground, he didn't like lifting his feet up, he mostly liked the feeling of them slipping over the pavement. _Slid slid slid._ Shaun snapped, annoyed. "Can you knock that off ? Man just walk normally" and Michael paused for a moment in his tracks all together, just standing there before processing what his brother had said- before nodding and walking quicker to catch up. And the other started talking again, he didn't mind, even if he didn't get most of it, the background noise filled the empty space quite nicely. Michael didn't like thinking too much, sometimes thoughts were very loud. It continued this way until they reached the park, Just at the sight of it his eyes lit up and he stumbled, starting to run forward. Tumbling he fell directly into the grass with a grin, shooting right back up.A lot in the world he couldn't manage to enjoy,but these moments like this, he really felt sincerly happy. 

Michael's hand against the wall tensed, twitching in it's place as he recognized something new.

**Him being so un-ordinarily happy could have been the tipping point couldn't it? A sign that something was about to go wrong. Was him being happy why everything fell apart?**

He presses the thought away keeping his hand against the wall,solidity felt more reassuring than the cold dull silence of the empty space that seemed to close in on him. A voice rung out in his head. " _And what happened then Michael?_ " The tone seeped into his consciousness,washing over him like a familiar melody he'd long forgotten, calming and soft in nature. The words the doctors had asked perhaps were familiar, but instead of feeling cold it felt like home and this place would **never** be his home.Is that his own voice? _Yes._ He decided that. That is his own voice, maybe. He focused on the memory again.

His face boasted a wide cheesy grin as Shaun pulled him to the edge of the park, telling him to not tell mom that they were going into the woods. He wanted to get pictures of this weird place he read about online to show his friends,something that became abandoned way before Michael could even talk.He liked to look brave. Michael thought his brother very brave from the start without all of this, he didn't have to prove that to him.

" _He isn't brave_ " The voice broke his thoughts, his shoulders tensed. No that- that wasn't what he'd been thinking, stop thinking that brain. Stop it. Shaun is. 

" _This is his fault Michael think about it._ " 

**No this is my fault.** He thought firmly, his hand clenches the nails digging into the cheap plaster as he grits his teeth and tries to focus harder. 

They kept walking into the woods. Michael began walking faster, excited, he'd never been this far in.The trees got closer together and the sun started to be blotted out- the woods around them getting darker and he suddenly went from enthusiasm to dragging his feet-uneasy.The dread snuck into his stomach and started to form a coil around him as he froze in his tracks. He stumbled, being pulled along as he had stopped moving. Shaun scoffs, "C'mon it's not that much farther Mike, keep up" Michael stayed frozen in place, his head- the forest weaved it's way into his head. Foggy thoughts clashed with the utter surreal feeling of knowing all at once that he's so real, so real he couldn't escape it if he tried.His lungs clouded with something like smoke, something fuzzy something wrong _wrong **wrong.**_ It hurt to the point where he could hardly stand it, something off,like trying to push two puzzle pieces together that just didn't fit, two halves that weren't made for each other. Like someone was shoving his head into a hole it didn't belong, his vision started to double, and-"Michael did you hear me? I'm going ahead if you aren't, **you can stay right here** if you're such a fucking scardey cat" 

The words hit him immediately despite the haze,and just as Shaun let go he screamed out with the passion of something that only a frightened child can muster,his hand flying to grab back onto Shaun."NO!" Shaun yelps, almost trying to pull back flinching from his brothers grip, his voice rife with anger, anger that rose in place of fear, " What the h-" Michael's grip deepens, his hand leaving gross redder marks now as the nails dug in deep more power behind it than a child of his age has.It's.Painful. "No no- please, don't lea v e me here" He sounded desperate voice cracking in places that weren't rises or falls his breathing such a mess that he was hardly pushing out the words to tell him so. Yet,the words found themself so much more important than air, he couldn't be alone. He wouldn't make it out alone. If Shaun left, he'd never come back.And more than anything he needed his brother. 

"I-shit mike, don't, don't worry I got you okay?" He forces Michael's grip to move off of him,rubbing the marks his nails had left before emitting a soft sigh as he looked forward to where he knew he wanted to go would be.His expression leaked it's exhaustion into the surrounding forest, as the prospects of his trip began to seem duller, grey muddling the entire venture.He had to be there for his brother. He always had to be there for Michael,no room to screw up,always him having to be the better more responsible one for Michael. His thoughts started to spark a deep bitter taste of resentment in his mind, it felt like salt poured straight into a wound. Fuck being there for Michael, he's doing this for himself, his brother could sob about it after they were done looking, that wasn't even that much to ask. He shoves his arm around Michael. _Coddling him. Poor sweet innocent Micheal, poor broken stupid and small Michael. What ever happened to what he cared about? What ever happened to him wanting to be happy too?_

The grip narrowly avoided being too tight and Michael squirmed as he was corralled into moving forward, his head begun ringing now. Screaming. The screaming rang so loud breaking apart his thoughts, tearing them through swiftly over and over again, why couldn't Shaun hear it too? His heart must be racing,he could feel it pounding against the noise tearing his head apart beating with a fervor that made it feel as if it were trying to leave his body.Micheal's body walking without moving now, walking without trying to walk,an autopilot he couldn't turn off setting in as his body stopped shaking. Then they stopped, Shaun stopped and he kept walking. The only clear thing in sight being- White,a man, his face, a mask? His face not a face, taller than most of the trees, taller than- he fell transfixed. He couldn't stop walking. Suddenly he heard over everything, felt over everything, Shaun's hand grab his arm roughly pulling him back, and his brother's voice shouting out brazenly, even with the distance of his thoughts he could tell from how his mouth moved the shapes larger and stretched over his teeth. "Michael fucking listen to me I told you to knock it off- I know you don't want to be here but you don't have to act so creepy" 

At that point, all he knew, all he could think about being Shaun **stopping** him from going forward, stopping him from fixing this, stopping him from his potential st-. **His brother always held him back.**.He turned his arm around quickly and bent Shaun's arm at a weird, unnatural angle, no snaps.Not broken just twisted up, all wrong. He didn't care, what he cared about not being that he hurt him but the fact that _**he wasn't fucking letting go.**_

" _What did you do next Michael?_ "

Shut up. That voice, that voice now, he decided was not him.Just a pest that wouldn't be quiet, something that found joy in being annoying, rude, and invasive.He willed it to stop, showed his resent for his own mind openly as his teeth shoved over one another.Horrible disgusting hate tainting the mind at such a young age. Borne of the fact that his possessions were few and he had nothing else but his thoughts, even those being ruined now.

The wall against his hand felt rough, wet. He was bleeding from digging his small soft hands into the plaster, deep enough to bring blood to the surface and as he saw the red substance dripping down his hand-his finger tips, he felt his boiling emotions even out again. Calm in a way that could only be described as dissociation as it threw him back into the moment.

Black out, and then. Blood, His body on top of Shaun's- whose face was bloodied from his hands digging scratches into his cheeks with each repetitive swing, He felt the last sentence he'd been saying before falling out of his mouth, but he couldn't remember feeling the emotions that came with it-" You just hold me back from everything I ever want to do!" He, couldn't feel anything but the warmth of the blood against his palms dripping with the consistency of both syrup and water,his brothers face littered with areas starting to bruise, scratches and cuts.He paused, the panic setting in as he saw his own handiwork;as he was lost as to what he needed from this,how he'd gotten into the position,frozen.Shaun took the chance to shove him off roughly, knocking his head into a large tree root and he yelped loudly scrambling back, fear rushing through his veins again as the ringing began to dull, as he felt his vision show him more clearly the mixture of blood and mud on his palms as his brother got up, stumbling to hover above him. "You're crazy Michael! You're bat shit! You know that right? I'm holding you back? Even mom knows there's something wrong with you! No-one likes you,and anyone you've ever talked to enough to think they do is just apart of this big scheduled pity party for you because you're not gonna make friends with your stupid fucked up brain! " His voice broke and it sounded roughened, Michael's hands had been around his throat, he hadn't been able to breathe. Just like he'd never been able to breathe knowing the burden that Michael would always be on his life. His brother crying too now on top of all of the shaking and whining, like he hadn't just said he wanted to kill him, like none of that had happened, was he just supposed to pretend that had never happened? Like everything else Michael had ruined for him? He screamed over his little brother's tears, "You ruined my life, you ruin everything you fucking touch, everything I've ever wanted to do has been ruined by having to care about your special needs on top of something that doesn't even apply to you! I'm tired of being a good brother, i'm tired of pretending like I wish you were never born! Because after all I do for you everyday, you tear into me like i'm just some sicko on the street who you just saw kill a cat or something? I'm your brother! I was-" He grits his teeth. The blood from his face is dripping from his skin to his teeth, his glasses aren't on his face, and as he takes another step forward, there's a crack and. 

There's the glasses. Broken. 

"I was your brother."

He wasn't anymore.

"There- there was this guy, in the forest, near the shack you were heading to, he- he made my head ring and my eyes we-"

"Shut the fuck up! You're just making up stories again! Do you even hear yourself? Do you even fucking listen to me?"

Michael opened his mouth to speak, he felt sick, He felt like his entire world stood upon Shaun's glasses, and as he looked back down to them. Shattered. He pressed his back to the tree trunk. It would be selfish to beg for Shaun to not hurt him, he decided. If he did that. 

And Shaun looked back down, vision blurred but even he could tell that his brother making that face, that shaky 'pity me and immediately forgive me' face meant he'd have to go on to start playing the good guy card. Even when he'd done nothing to make up for his shitty behaviour. No he wouldn't fall for that.

"Get up." He states now, making it obvious he's done with this, done with the shack , done with Michael, done with talking.

"B-"

"Don't."

And so,

" _There we go._ " The voice again drew him back to the wall. The red that spotted his vision of his hands verified it's status as not a calming colour, the nurse was right about that much. Michael decided. Again. 

The voice now seemed, again, softer. Sweeter. Like a teacher consoling a child for a mistake, he felt his own emotions warp from anger and the gnashing of self loathing like a rabid dog sinking itself into his throat into something that wasn't his own, the sweet feeling of content, peace pushing its way over him like a clingfilm keeping back everything else.

" _Look at you, you're a child. You should never have to feel this way_ "

Another wave of calm, pressing through the chemical taste that he tended to feel ebb onto his tongue when he stopped breathing, when his airway closed up and rejected any air further. This voice was pressing it all out of his head in this unnatural way but he couldn't bring himself to care as he looked back at his hands and felt now- dizzy. Tired. 

" _Why don't you sleep, I'll take care of this._ " 

He nods to the voice instinctively, it still didn't feel good. Nothing felt good anymore, or maybe it never did. But he had no time to think of that before his eyes felt heavy and then. Everything was dark.

He woke up in his room later, his hands wrapped with gauze from the nursing station. He hadn't talked to any nurses, he hadn't even gotten up from where he'd been sitting by the wall- he jumped up, looking now-rushing to the corner of his room. The wall cleaner than it should be, free of any blood that'd been smeared from his hands to it's surface. The voice-No.He bit down on his lip and then got up from the wall,re-centering himself. He must've just done it without thinking about it, he must've just been going through the motions. He's nine now, he couldn't be believing in silly stories.


	2. Motions

The days passed by and Michael found himself pushing through the motions, the sheets started to feel more familiar to wake up in- soaked in sweat, screaming. The nurse on watch for him would come in, see nothing around, assume he was crying wolf- another nightmare. They'd jot in down in their little pad, the scratch of their pen on paper as their eyes rang out dully that they were too _tired_ for this- their shift had likely gone on a lot longer than the few hours in the night shift. Yet Michael didn't see it like this, he saw instead, an empty black room starting to consume him whole, his blankets trying to strangle him, his hands shaking. He felt all so much smaller when the nurse of the night would walk in, no emotion, no empathy. 

Noone would save him.

He was alone here.

And each day he settled further into the thought of so, he stopped rising whenever he heard voices outside his door. Noone visited him, no matter how much he wanted them too.   
He'd close his eyes and push away the reality to indulge in the thought of Shaun opening the door and shoving past nurses and grabbing his hand- "Michael oh my god you're still here-" His voice would break, _no more than that_ he'd start tearing up, so desperate to convey how sorry he was. His hands would shake against Michael's, like Michael's often did. 

_**Defective, through the fantasy he could feel his body shivering.** _

"Of course I'm still here, they won't let me out they won't let me go" And his own voice would become higher,it'd waver on the beats it had to stay strong. 

Shaun's hands froze in their jitters, steeling up, becoming stronger for Michael. He shoved them into a hug, and it'd feel like love. It'd surround him and it'd feel like the first time he'd felt safe in a year. It'd feel like it did before, the jacket being the one that their mother made Shaun wear- the one with the soft feeling that didn't make Michael gag. Heavy fabric, and Shaun wouldn't let go but it wouldn't feel trapping no- because he wouldn't want to let go either. "They don't have any say in this, I'm getting you out of here Michael-god i'm so fucking sorry i'm so sorry I couldn't get you out sooner" His voice would beg for forgiveness and his hands begin to shake again grasping for purchase in the back of his little brother's shirt and Michael shook his head. " _It's okay it's okay it's okay_ You're here now,s'okay" 

Warm wet tears stained his sheets now as he pressed them as hard as he could to his face, arms wrapped around himself. But no amount of playing pretend would make Shaun appear when he opened his eyes.

But,he wasn't alone.

The voice again called out, this time sounding out to the air around them. 

"Do you remember the clock?"


End file.
